dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
