I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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