I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
