Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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