I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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