Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
