tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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