So drunk its hurt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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