so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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