My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
