I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
