i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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