No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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