You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
