just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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