Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
