I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
