So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
