god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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