hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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