We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
