I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I need moral support for this bender
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
