well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
