Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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