dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
