...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
