Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
