So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
