The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
