fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
