Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
