Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
