i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
