Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
