At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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