I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
