I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Never underestimate the power of titties
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
