I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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