I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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