So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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