so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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