i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
