I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
