Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize