how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
