So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hippo gnu deer
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
