I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize