I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
