I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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