im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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