Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize