Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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