my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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