Betty ford says i'm here all night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
