you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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