btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
