I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
