My underwear smells like fireworks.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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