Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
