I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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